Friday, September 19, 2014

So Who Wants To Be A CEO?

by SandWyrm


The same day that Scotland decided, grudgingly, to stay married to England (for the sake of the colonies), GW put up it's requirements for a new CEO. Have a look and see if you think you have what it takes!

(SandWyrm's sarcastic snowmobiles will be in red)


Chief Executive, Games Workshop Group PLC: Nottingham, UK
THURSDAY 18 SEPTEMBER, 2014

About the Job

Do you want to run Games Workshop Group PLC?
Sure. I couldn't possibly do a worse job than Tom Kirby. I'll screw up half as badly, for half the salary! Honest!
Are you excited by the challenge of growing our unique business?
If by "growing", you mean "bailing water as fast as you can while the business sinks"; and by "unique", you mean "arrogantly and un-fathomably resistant to both market realities, and emerging opportunities", then YOU BET!!!
You will need to:

Deliver a sustainable increase in return on capital
Which means paying reliable dividends to institutional investors.
Have the right people in the right jobs at the right time
Which means bringing in people to put out fires, and then firing them to keep costs down.
Set the operational agenda in agreement with the board and deliver it on time
Did I mention that whole dividend thing?
Keep our owners appropriately informed
"Yes dammit! You'll get your bloody dividends!"
Perform the normal legal duties and responsibilities of a director
Such as writing dividend checks with little smiley faces on them.
whilst championing Games Workshop’s culture and ethics.
Which means arrogantly ignoring what our customers say, while releasing lazy copy-paste cash-grab retreads of past hits; with 1 new cheap-ass thing that the compulsive collectors can't possibly live without. All the while firing all the competent creative people in the company that do the real work of keeping the whole thing from going man-tits-up every quarter. 
We know being a chief executive is always hard, but this job is a humdinger!
Cause like, you have to write stuff sober all the time. It's a total drag! It's not like the civil service at all! (hic)
About Games Workshop

Games Models Workshop Lazyshop is a business with a strong stubborn internal culture which means we have a very definite set of ideas, beliefs delusions and ways of doing business.
I mean yeah, our sales/profits are way down, the core games are dying, and we've lost butt-loads of formerly loyal customers. But that's no reason to change how we do business! Stay the course! Over the top! Charge those machine guns boys!!! They'll run out of bullets soon!!!
We believe that how you behave does matter, therefore, we believe that attitudes – such as dishonesty and integrity hypocrisy – are even more important than skills.
People with real skills make me feel bad, because they keep pointing out how stupid I am. How our products really aren't all that great compared to their price, and how we could use that effing internet for like... techie... Twitbook... stuffs... that I don't understand one bit.  
Yes men though? They make me FEEL LIKE A BLOODY GOD!!!  "YES SIR!" Just sends tingly shivers up my love handles!
We will happily teach you the skills needed for many roles if you bring a great attitude to your work.
Since we stopped innovating back in the mid 90's, you don't have to think at all to work here! Just do exactly what the last 10 people who had your job did! But don't forget to say "YES SIR! BRILLIANT SIR!" – Cause I love that! Did I mention that I'll still be on the board? When do I get my dividends again? 
Every staff member is dedicated to constantly making things better for our customers shareholders, whether this is by providing ever better more overpriced products or delivering ever greater shittier service. We are hard working desperate, committed scared shitless and cheerful confused and above all we put the needs of the business first third or fourth in our decision-making.

We have a strong culture of personal development sucking up at Games Models Workshop Lazyshop and there are many resources and opportunities for both personal and professional development once we fire you. If the way you behave suck up at work and the attitudes you display feign fit with ours mine, it is highly likely you will be successful, well rewarded, and happy until the company finally goes man-tits-up.

However, it is only fair to say that people who don’t fit with our my culture ego, or who play at fitting sneakily try and fix things despite me, will be unhappy and consequently unsuccessful fired. You can read more about Games Workshop’s business culture at careers.games-workshop.com. Because I'm tired of writing this. ARE YOU HAPPY BOARD! YOU BLOODY DIVIDEND DEMANDING BLOODSUCKERS! Oh wait, I'm on the board too! Silly me. :O

Other Essential Information

Closing date: Applications must be received by midnight, UK time, on Friday 10 October 2014. Because that's when the recruitment kegger kicks off! 

Interviews: If your application is successful randomly drawn by an inebriated mongoose from a beer stein, you must be available for an interview sucking-up test on Friday 7 November 2014, in Nottingham. Because I'm not about to bother doing a serious, exhaustive search lasting longer than one afternoon, or anything responsible like that.  

How to Apply

Please write a letter telling us why you want this job. No letter, no interview. Make sure you include an executive summary too.

Please send your letter to ‘Recruitment@gwplc.com’.

(As always, you can follow SandWyrm's nonsensical ramblings on Twitter)


2 comments:

  1. Well, At least they are partially honest with what is important to them. First line "You Will Need To" is pretty much everything you need to know.

    Given that Kirby is still Chairman and I would guess the Chairman has a lot of say in hiring the CEO nothing is likely to change. Maybe they will get lucky and someone will come in and tell Kirby what he wants to hear and then changes course if he gets ousted but not likely.

    It will be interesting who they bring in no the less. GW board appears to have too many accountants and such on it. Unfortanutely anything that GW was to do that would point it in a better direction would probably be detrimental to profits in the short term and be exactly the opposite of what Kirby would do.

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    1. Ya know, Markus Persson (the guy that made Minecraft) just got a three-plus billion dollar payout from Microsoft for his company. Maybe we could convince him that he needs a new hobby? Couldn't be worse than what Hasbro would do to GW. :)

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