The same day that Scotland decided, grudgingly, to stay married to England (for the sake of the colonies), GW put up it's requirements for a new CEO. Have a look and see if you think you have what it takes!
(SandWyrm's sarcastic snowmobiles will be in red)
Chief Executive, Games Workshop Group PLC: Nottingham, UK
THURSDAY 18 SEPTEMBER, 2014
About the Job
Do you want to run Games Workshop Group PLC?
Sure. I couldn't possibly do a worse job than Tom Kirby. I'll screw up half as badly, for half the salary! Honest!Are you excited by the challenge of growing our unique business?
If by "growing", you mean "bailing water as fast as you can while the business sinks"; and by "unique", you mean "arrogantly and un-fathomably resistant to both market realities, and emerging opportunities", then YOU BET!!!You will need to:
Deliver a sustainable increase in return on capital
Which means paying reliable dividends to institutional investors.Have the right people in the right jobs at the right time
Which means bringing in people to put out fires, and then firing them to keep costs down.Set the operational agenda in agreement with the board and deliver it on time
Did I mention that whole dividend thing?Keep our owners appropriately informed
"Yes dammit! You'll get your bloody dividends!"Perform the normal legal duties and responsibilities of a director
Such as writing dividend checks with little smiley faces on them.whilst championing Games Workshop’s culture and ethics.
Which means arrogantly ignoring what our customers say, while releasing lazy copy-paste cash-grab retreads of past hits; with 1 new cheap-ass thing that the compulsive collectors can't possibly live without. All the while firing all the competent creative people in the company that do the real work of keeping the whole thing from going man-tits-up every quarter.We know being a chief executive is always hard, but this job is a humdinger!
Cause like, you have to write stuff sober all the time. It's a total drag! It's not like the civil service at all! (hic)About Games Workshop
I mean yeah, our sales/profits are way down, the core games are dying, and we've lost butt-loads of formerly loyal customers. But that's no reason to change how we do business! Stay the course! Over the top! Charge those machine guns boys!!! They'll run out of bullets soon!!!We believe that how you behave does matter, therefore, we believe that attitudes – such as dishonesty and
People with real skills make me feel bad, because they keep pointing out how stupid I am. How our products really aren't all that great compared to their price, and how we could use that effing internet for like... techie... Twitbook... stuffs... that I don't understand one bit.
Yes men though? They make me FEEL LIKE A BLOODY GOD!!! "YES SIR!" Just sends tingly shivers up my love handles!We will happily teach you the skills needed for many roles if you bring a great attitude to your work.
Since we stopped innovating back in the mid 90's, you don't have to think at all to work here! Just do exactly what the last 10 people who had your job did! But don't forget to say "YES SIR! BRILLIANT SIR!" – Cause I love that! Did I mention that I'll still be on the board? When do I get my dividends again?Every staff member is dedicated to constantly making things better for our
We have a strong culture of
However, it is only fair to say that people who don’t fit with
Other Essential Information
Closing date: Applications must be received by midnight, UK time, on Friday 10 October 2014. Because that's when the recruitment kegger kicks off!
Interviews: If your application is
How to Apply
Please write a letter telling us why you want this job. No letter, no interview. Make sure you include an executive summary too.
Please send your letter to ‘Recruitment@gwplc.com’.
(As always, you can follow SandWyrm's nonsensical ramblings on Twitter)